I like to think that my story is a love story, and not a boy meets-girl love story, although that may be part of it. There are so many things that make each of us who we are, but the most important thing to me, of all the many thing that I’ve experiences or owned or encountered, is love. I’ve been in love a lot. Never in the “I want to marry you” way, but always extremely significantly. I’ve always been really good at loving Earth and animals, but not always good at loving life (human life) or people. That all changed a few years ago. I think I was in my junior year of high school, or maybe the senior year, possibly leading into the summer after graduation. I had been depressed, borderline suicidal (Now, I can’t ever imagine I ever felt that way. It seems impossible. Now, I am so happy). I was having problems with many people: my friends, my father, people I thought were my friends but I’ve since learned were abusive. Mostly, I was having problems with myself. I didn’t love myself. I loved others, or so I thought, but you can’t fully, truly love anyone else until you love yourself. I know that know. One day, and I don’t remember when or how this happened, but, one day, I stopped seeking approval. I stopped being codependent, and I stopped trying to change for others. I used to try to change myself to make my relationships with others (the aforementioned friends, father, & non-friends) better, and them try to change for me. I suddenly realized that wasn’t the answer. If you’re changing for others, it isn’t real. It isn’t honest. It won’t last. It’s only true if you’re changing for yourself. I realized that I did need to change, but that I needed to change for me. Now, I’m my favorite person. Now, I love myself first. Now, I’m always happy. Even when I’m sad, I now always, always, always feel a faint, constant, underlying happiness. Now, I love. I love my friends and my father (we have a better relationship than ever before). I even love my non-friends, although I realize they were never good for me, not truly. Now, I love so much. I’m in love every day. I’m in love with life, friends, strangers, people I’ve never met. I’m in love with myself. Self love is one of those things that people either think is next to impossible or the easiest thing in the world. The truth is, it’s both. It’s so each once it happens, but it’s so hard to get there, because, although there are things you can say and do to try to get there, you can’t really fake it ‘til you make it. It just happens when you truly believe it can. I wish there were a secret I could share to make it happen immediately for you, but then I’d be lying. The only way is to believe, and there’s no trick to believing.
Part of what stopped me from believing is that I used to have these dreams, all the time, for as long as I could remember. I used to have these dreams with this person that aged as I aged. In these dreams, I always knew them. We were best friends. We were in love. I can’t picture what they look like when I try, and I never could, but sometimes I see their face. For awhile, I started doubting it, when our lives never crossed in person. I felt I needed to meet them for real, in person, not a dream, to be complete. It was an especially difficult time during the couple of years before I learned to love myself. I stopped dreaming of Them. I stopped believing in Them. I stopped believing in anything. But then everything changed. I learned to love myself, independently from anyone else. I stopped needing anyones approval in order to feel happy, and I stopped needing to meet Them, and that is when They felt the realest. That is when I started to believe the most. We still haven’t met (in person, in this timeline), but now I’m completely confident that we will. There are these days, that happen on occasion, when I feel so in love, and so whole. I feel powerful, not as though I have power of others, but as though I have power over myself, and as though I have the power to love everything that has, does, or will exist. These days, these strong, warm, powerful, love filled days, are when I feel most like I’m going to meet Them, and also when i feel the most like I can love myself and be happy all on my own. I don’t need to meet Them, but I know that I will, and I know that we will love each other, and ourselves. My story is a love story. I love Them, life, you, everyone. I love me.