Reading a few of these journals, I realized that I have not kept in touch with anyone I went to college with. I graduated in 1977. I have such fond memories of Ann Arbor and all the people I knew there—how could I have left them all behind? How much richer would my life have been if I had kept in touch?
I feel like I’ve spent most of my life playing it safe. Everything’s been calculated—there are just no more surprises. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I just ditched my routine and did something spontaneous, I don’t know followed a dream for a change. But as soon as I think about it I realize that nothing will change. I will continue this monotonous life because I am too scared of what else could be out there.
I’ve been talking to my half sister for two years now. And my father- our father has no idea that I am even aware of her existence.
All I can think about is if he wonders about her. If on my wedding day he will be wondering if he missed hers.
I want my virginity back. That’s a weird statement. But it makes sense for now. I really want it back, not so much as the feeling but the experience. Everyone says your first time is always terrible, but I can’t help but think what if it could’ve been better? Not physically, that wouldn’t change, but emotionally. A stranger and alcohol, a broken bed, and an open window. Would that have been better with someone I love? I don’t know. And that not knowing eats away at me. To me it will always be my first time, to him it will always be a hookup, because he cannot see the importance, he didn’t even know it was my first time. Would he have cared more? or would the build up of importance, ruin it? There’s no answer, and it kills me. I want my virginity back.
I am in the process of getting my second divorce. My wife says that she can no longer live with my schizophrenia/depression. It is true that I am very black most of the time, and very introverted. I can’t maintain any job. I understand that our relationship has suffered due to my illness. My illness makes reciprocation difficult. She knew of my condition before we married, but thought that she could help me. I had to be hospitalized in an adult psychiatric hospital for some time recently, and she announced her intentions of divorce as soon as I was dismissed. I do not blame her, but she has hurt me. I have lost my friend. All together, she hung in there for about 11 years. I have been on almost every med recommended for my illness, and none have helped. Now, I am facing electro-convulsive treatments, and am very scared.
I often wonder to what degree other people suffer from depression. Maybe I am just a wimp and can not deal with things like others do. I would like to experience a ‘normal’ person’s depression, and I would like for them to experience mine.
I feel that there is no hope for me, and that very soon I will be dead. I am all alone, and the stone I carry gets heavier every day. Now, I live with my parents as I have no other place to go and no money to go anywhere. I am 38 years old. Why me?