I’m finding a lot of trouble when it comes to trusting the people who are closest to me. My family, my best friends, my boyfriend. I have more trust in someone I most likely will never see again, all they have of me is that one encounter. I think trusting someone you don’t know with your feelings and thoughts is a lot more safe than someone who knows you and your life. I don’t like the way I feel about trust and I think it will change over time. I hope so, at least. I think that’s why I’m writing this.
In one year I will be a commissioned officer in the US Army. It frightens me and drives me that people will trust me with their lives, the well-being of their families, and the safety of our future will be placed on my shoulders. I am worried that I won’t be able to bring everyone home and that some daughter or son will have to grow up without their father or mother. The stress has led me to drink and I am worried that I may become an alcoholic. I hope that I can live up to all the expectations that have been placed on me and that I can be a role model for others.
I’ve never met anyone who I’d live my life for. There are a lot of people who I care about and who I would die for, but no one really who I could imagine the world without. I hope that it all changes. I don’t know if those kinds of interactions are weak—like the really passionate connections. It makes me believe that it’s real and I shouldn’t give up yet, but maybe there are problems with any kind of connection. We just idealize stuff to make it better. There are some people who I really love though. People that have come close. I just wonder. It makes me not want to stop meeting new people ever. Never give up! I never want to have to use another person, though. It has to be mutual. It scares me not knowing what’s real, though. I know I’ve believed and trusted things, people, and ideas that don’t mean anything, but maybe it’s because I don’t let them, or maybe it’s because because they just don’t. Maybe one day everything will fall apart, and I’ll just know that what I feel is 100% real, no lies, but maybe when I wake up the next day, it won’t mean anything. I want to know that the moment when it felt right was real and not just a brainwashed feeling. I don’t know if it even fucking matters, no one has really made me feel that way. One day… One day, though.
My ex-bestfriend destroyed our relationship through things she thought up in her head because she was afraid of the true honesty of friendship. I really miss her and wish I could be friends with her again, but I know it would never be the same again. Now, when I see her, I can feel the chasm between us and it makes me hang my head down and I feel heavy and heartbroken. I find it difficult now to trust people. I realize that she is not a good person or a good friend and has destroyed a good part of me, but I still love her for what we used to be.
One day I was checking my e-mail before breakfast. I found an e-mail from my dad that had a link I’d been meaning to follow for a while. So I followed it, then I followed another link. It took me to a website that had a bunch of stories. I read some. Compared to them, my life seemed insignificant and boring. I found myself wanting to gather up all of the people whose stories were so depressing and had such crappy lives. I would take them to my house and make them all a big breakfast. Then, I would tell all of them, “Thank you for trusting your stories to complete strangers. It will get better. You just need to keep hanging in there.” But I can’t do that because the website is anonymous. So instead I’ll write about doing that in the hopes that this will get to all of those people.
I think that, maybe, I’ve found what I want to do when I grow up.
I am 22 years old, the child of an abusive father and a mother who has Battered Women Syndrome. What I experienced in my childhood has affected me in ways I am unable to count. I have anxiety attacks cannot look at my father in the eyes, and suffocate people with my attachment to them. Last year, I experience death twice–my best friend’s sister died as well as my uncle. Last year, I tasted love for the first time. Or maybe it was the illusion of love. I’m still trying to figure that one out. I found myself in a relationship with one of my closest friends, who, like me,is a girl. I am not bisexual or a lesbian but this is how things happened. Nobody knows we dated for five months. We are eachother’s guilty secrets. We shared life stories, kisses, hours long make-out sessions, failures. Now we hardly talk. I feel so guilty for what occurred between us, wish I could stop what happened by traveling back in time and saying NO. She moved on faster than I did. My ego is still bruised. My heart, even more so. I haven’t prayed in months. Last time I spoke to God, I could only ask “why me?” I wish I could speak to Him now. I wish I was fearless. I wish I didn’t hate myself. I hope this helps someone, my words. I’m a poet. Writing used to be therapeutic. Now, it just conjures up memories from my past that I once buried in the back yard of my mind. As helpless as I feel, the compassion that runs through my veins keeps me waking up every morning. ‘Cause I want to save the abused animals of the world. All of them. They feel pain, they suffer. They cry. They are ignored. Experimented on. Eaten. Dissected. Enslaved. Slaughtered. Despite the hell they go through, they still trust people. X-Files taught me to trust no one. But here I am, trusting you, a complete stranger, with my secret. Thanks for taking these demons. I love you for it.
Be kind to others. You might save a life. Or two. Or many. (Or your own).
I’m not sure that true love really exists anymore. I think that people just settle for someone that they can tolerate waking up next to every morning. I have not had a relationship in which the girl was faithful yet. My fiancé left me for another female. The girl that finally convinced me to get back on the bike after my failed engagement cheated on me and left me for her ex-boyfriend. Its hard to think about a lot of the time, that I don’t feel like I can trust anyone.