Entries tagged with "reality"
I began losing my hair at 19. At first I thought it was just a phase. I thought it would grow back. I went to see my doctor who told me it would never grow back. I became suicidal. When I first realized it was happening, I became obsessed with hair. Suddenly, everywhere I went people were talking about hair… how they were going to bleach it, streak it, perm it, dye it. When I thought of the future I didn’t think by then I’d be doing this or by then I’d be doing that, I just thought by then… I’d be bald.
I’m now 29 and bald, and a shadow of my former confident self. A lot of people suit it but I don’t think I do. I come across as confident and bubbly with people at work, but away from work I never socialize… I don’t like to go out.
I’m in a “relationship” with a great guy I met online. I love him, but I’m using somebody else’s picture. I know it will all end in tears, but I have so little going on in my life—I’m finding it more difficult to come clean.
My life has been a wreck off and on my whole life. I’ve spent time as an alcoholic, a social reject, a drug abuser, and a mean person. I used to think the mean stage of my life was the reason life was punishing me, then I realized one day maybe I was punishing myself.
I now have a husband and a young son. My husband was diagnosed as a schizophrenic two weeks after I found out I was pregnant, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t go in the bathroom, look in the mirror, and blame myself. I accepted the facts and we are doing just fine five years later. Sometimes it isn’t a bad thing for things to be hectic, crazy, or a mess. I’m okay when everything is not okay.
September, 2009. Soon after I got back from California in attempting to find myself and shortly after I got a job,
I met the most amazing girl I’ve ever met in my life. She is the light at the end of the long, dark tunnel. Sometimes I’ll be sitting in this house and I’ll realize how lucky I am to be in this position. Things are tough and sometimes perilous, yet I’m still the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life. Today, we were both sick and yet laying in bed with her arm around me put a huge smile on my face.
I don’t think this would have ever worked out if I met her at some other point in my life. It seems that we crossed paths at just the right time and are now walking the same one together. For the first time in YEARS, I can actually say that I’m happy with life. Yes, there are faults and problems. There always is with life. But, this love is almost like a glue that fills in those cracks and makes the overall scheme of things worthwhile. One of the advisers at high school said I was the first kid she met in years that actually “gets the big picture”. Maybe that’s what this is all about. The big picture.
We were told there would be flying cars and silver jumpsuits, cold fusion power for everyone and colonies in the stars.
I feel so cheated.
Everybody is someone. I’m a big hypocrite.
I try real hard to be a good person. Hopefully that makes a difference. If I had guts, I think I would be a lot of things. But some of them are not so good things to be. So, maybe I’ll just stay a scared-y cat with an inferiority complex. I spend a lot of my time wishing I were something else. One of them is an intellectual, another is a dinosaur. I should enjoy who I am, but most of the time, I’m too concerned about what I wish was happening that I displace myself from my own reality. Maybe it’s good for my imagination.
I used to wish I were dead a lot. But sometimes I’m so happy I’m alive that I cry.
I’ve never met anyone who I’d live my life for. There are a lot of people who I care about and who I would die for, but no one really who I could imagine the world without. I hope that it all changes. I don’t know if those kinds of interactions are weak—like the really passionate connections. It makes me believe that it’s real and I shouldn’t give up yet, but maybe there are problems with any kind of connection. We just idealize stuff to make it better. There are some people who I really love though. People that have come close. I just wonder. It makes me not want to stop meeting new people ever. Never give up! I never want to have to use another person, though. It has to be mutual. It scares me not knowing what’s real, though. I know I’ve believed and trusted things, people, and ideas that don’t mean anything, but maybe it’s because I don’t let them, or maybe it’s because because they just don’t. Maybe one day everything will fall apart, and I’ll just know that what I feel is 100% real, no lies, but maybe when I wake up the next day, it won’t mean anything. I want to know that the moment when it felt right was real and not just a brainwashed feeling. I don’t know if it even fucking matters, no one has really made me feel that way. One day… One day, though.
My grandfather died four years ago. He moved away the year before across the country, and I never saw him before he died. I still believe he is in his home in Arkansas. I hope that I will be able to deal with the reality instead of living in this strange world I live in now. Why can’t I accept the fact that he’s gone forever? I can’t even remember what he looks like and yet I still believe I could see him whenever I want. I just need to come to terms. Soon.
There doesn’t seem to be anyone out there who wants to or is willing to date me. Besides that, I feel as if reality is slipping from me. I sometimes forget who I am.
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