I am 15 and I’m pregnant by a 20 year old. It’s not the best way to live a normal teen-aged life but I deal with it as it comes at me. I feel so lost I miss my ex, he has my heart and always will. You really don’t understand how scared I am about all this and I have never really told anyone about my feelings toward all this until now. Im 15 I’m “emo” but more recently I have found god. I cried in church when they prayed for me.
For the first time in my life I felt like there are good people in this world. I don’t know what to do anymore but I’ll take it as it comes
I had a pretty rocky adolescence, mostly self inflicted. I found out why I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror while my brother was on trial for something he didn’t do. Nobody ever thought they needed to talk to me about what my uncle did to me when I was two. I could never understand why I would have this nightmare over and over. Then my dad said it in the court room, out loud, for everyone to hear…”molested”. Knowing didn’t change anything, nobody talked to me about it. Years later I told my parents what my brothers did to me. My father dismissed it, childhood exploration. He beat them when I was younger because my Aunt told him what I said to her, but now as an adult it was dismissed. I tried for years to look at myself in the mirror, but I could only look at the pimple, a hair, my eye brow, my hair, never ever the whole.
My image of myself was terrible. Broken, used, ugly, unwanted; then I met my husband. It changed my world, but until the wedding day I never thought he would go through with marrying me. Who could after what other men have done to me? Then I never thought we could have our own children, I was broken, how could an amazing thing like that happen in such a disgusting vessel as MY body? Then I got pregnant. I wanted to do everything I could to make sure the baby was healthy, and I wanted to have it in a birth center so everything would be perfect. I wanted a girl so she could have a childhood without abuse. We found out it was twins days before I had them. I had two boys, of course. I was scared, I have been scared, what if I have a girl next time, and “childhood exploration” happens to her? I am trying to tell myself there are all kinds of big brothers who never need their sister to “explore” anything. These boys can be different, I will stay home, they won’t have idle time when they can get themselves in trouble, I will talk to them about sex and anatomy so there are no unanswered questions.
My husband helps me fight this battle in my mind. He is one of those “other kinds” of big brother. He protected his sister, and never “explored” anything. He tells me I’m a good mom and nothing will happen. It has been hard to look in the mirror still, I feel like I have let my future daughter down by having two boys. But I love my boys, they are my world.
Driving yesterday, my husband turned to me and said “I feel guilty loving my life so much…” I feel guilty not loving my life enough… but this morning I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror… really looked, I think I may have been missing out the past 20 some years by not looking. Hopefully I can look at myself the rest of my life and know, I have it good, and I am doing my best.
I’m a liar. I lie so much, that there are some things I’ve actually started to believe. I tell people I’m Puerto Rican to avoid being called ‘white girl’. I have my whole fake history going back like, four generations. When I was thirteen I met this guy, we dated for about a year on and off, but I tell people it was two. Makes it seem more attached. I also say I lost my virginity to him, and got pregnant but lost the baby. Wrong, but I actually got so attached to the fake baby that I cried for months when I got my period. I actually lost it to this guy I met on vacation, and thought I was really pregnant. Wrong, same reaction. I tell people that I hallucinate, and even though I know what’s real and what isn’t, I’ve started talking to people that aren’t there. I’m sixteen, and I’m starting to believe that nothing is real. I’m scared.
I am 23, married and worried about giving birth. Weird I guess, but this is something I really want to get off my chest. I mean, I am worried about the pain, I am worried about getting a C-Section, which really annoys me, for I am a woman, I am given the door way to give birth so I don’t understand why nowadays, C-Section is so popular and at the same time, the thought of giving birth really scares me. Sometimes, I wonder if this is happening to me only, the fear seems to be so intense sometimes, I really wonder if I want to get pregnant or not. Thanks for reading.