I always thought I knew just what I wanted to do. My hobby became my major at the best school for it. One of the happiest days of my life was when I received my acceptance phone call. One of the unhappiest days of my life was when I realized this isn’t what I want to do anymore. It doesn’t make me happy like it used to when I was a child. I used to just adore the lights and applause. Now I’m embarrassed when people ask what I’m studying. I always reply “musical theatre,” I’m not sure why, with a goofy look on my face and a shrug on my shoulders. One of the happiest days of my life was when I found other things I could be happy doing. Working with deaf children. Photography. Activist. I just became a vegetarian and I want to stop everyone I know from eating meat. I can’t believe I ever ate a being. I digested pain. Now I want everyone to know what they are eating. The castrated cows. The electrified fish. The chemically injured chicken. How do people live with themselves?
For someone who always knew what she wanted to be, I am so unsure where I am going. I do not know what I want. There is something around the corner from me. I keep walking toward it, but never reach it. I don’t know if I ever will. I think that’s why I wake up in the morning. I have so many questions about me, you, us. My journey is to ask my questions. I am shallow.
I’m studying international politics. I took this path because I believe so strongly that I can change the world, that my endeavors and my love for humanity will help to bring about a better community that we can all say that we are a part of. I think that there are people out there who are so clouded by what is going on in their personal lives that they cannot see that their planet is being destroyed; that the framework that is upholding their society is crumbling; and that we’re all in it together. I think that once we realize the latter, and accept it, things will be a lot better.
People tell me that I’m foolish, that I’m too idealistic and not realistic. It’s not their words that make me weep. It’s their belief that this world cannot be a better place that streaks tears down my face. Things can only change if there are enough people willing to make the change. I, for one, will always believe that this world can be better and that all humans are decent enough to actually make it work.
I start college in the fall. I don’t know what I want to do with my life anymore. It scares me. I have no real passion for anything, anymore.
All I really want is to have a baby. I know it’s not a smart thing to do right now, and I’m definitely waiting. But I’ve wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember, and all I ever wish is to just be 10 years older.
As I saw you sitting here with a sign asking to share my story, it hit me. I wish I lived a more interesting life. Well, everyone wishes that, don’t they? You, reading this, are probably wishing that too. What have I done? Who will I become?
I’ve become a friend, a lover, a sister, and a daughter. One day, you will know me. I dream to live. I live to change lives. I’ve known too many people who have chosen to end their lives and I wish to change that. I’m quiet, but I will talk to anyone who stops to say hello. Spread the smiles and bring hope to all those who are lost. If you see me, I hope I can change you.
I wish you could open your eyes and see this is what I was meant to do.