I am 28 years old and single. Most of the time I feel I will never meet anyone. I have gone on dates with nice and good looking men. But, I always find something wrong with them: he walks strange, his job is not good enough, he chews with his mouth open, he wears too much cologne, he has a high pitched voice, he is too nice, he is not chill enough, lives with his parents, he is not as educated as me, he is shorter than me, he is not funny. So is it my fault? Probably. Am I scared? Maybe. Am I the only one? Who knows.
I am a neurotic, emotional, and anxious neat freak who judges people as I judge my own self.
I am 30 years old. I live in my parent’s basement. They did it to help me go to college. I am currently working full time and going to college full time. I feel like I will never leave their basement. My fiance left because of it, but he wasn’t working to help out. I don’t think I’ll ever find someone else due to low self esteem from weight issues. I wish people could see past the few pounds I’m overweight and actually give me a chance. But, as shallow as people don’t like to see themselves, they are. It has given me the worst self esteem out of anyone I know. I wanted to write to maybe hopefully change one persons mind about the way they view other people. Just because someone is slightly overweight, does not mean they are dirty, trashy or stupid. We know we’re heavy. You don’t have to give us dirty looks, some of us try to not be that way but it is hard. Look what you’ve done to my self esteem. My weight comes from a surgery that went wrong. I did not eat myself into oblivion. Look what you did to my trust. No one wants me.
I just turned 22 years old on Monday. Almost every day I wake up fearing the world. Hiding away in my room unless I’m around my family out in the open. Last week for my birthday I went on a ghost hunters event with my brother. They have events all around. I’ve watched there show since it aired first season. When we we’re there one of the psychics from another T.V. show was there. I was so excited to meet him as well. The event made me so “happy and felt alive.” While my brother and I were sitting outside for air the psychic went outside for a walk. My brother said to me what if he’s reading us right now. I responded to him I sure as hell hope not. In a way I was hoping he’d come up and tell me I’d be OK because I’m sick of being scared of the world and always afraid people will judge me from the appearance I choose and not my heart.
My dog died a week ago. Along with the pain and sadness of losing a member of my family who didn’t judge me, laugh at me, or verbally abuse me, it made me realize that I could never become a genuine Christian. I could never believe in a God that keeps your family, friends, and loved ones hostage so that if you’re not good and live up to His expectations you never see them ever again.
My best friend is a born-again Christian. He and I often get into very involved discussions (I’m a science person). To tell the truth though, I envy him. He used to be the most volatile person before he “got religion”, and he appears very happy. Am I a bad person because I miss that volatile side?
I had two girls, both ten years old, tell me that they used Nair and/or shaved their legs every day. TEN! That’s when you build tree houses and make smores, not worry about how silky smooth your legs are! Bad, bad mothers.
I always judged those people who took their friends’ boyfriends. I recently became one of those people. I know that what I did was wrong, and I know that everyone else is now judging me for it. I’m judging myself. But I cannot control the way I feel; I love him.
On the outside I’m a loud, goofy, carefree person. On the inside I’m quite the opposite. I spend 80% of my time thinking about my death or being dead, and how life is too difficult for me to be truly happy. I’ve been in the hospital 3 times in the past 2 years for suicide attempts, and have managed to not let anyone find out… I guess what they say is true, you should never judge a book by its cover.