Entries tagged with "identity"
So what am I doing with my life besides wasting away? 19 year old drop out with a son. Not what I was expecting my life to turn into. I used to be a straight A student with amazing potential. How I lost it all is beyond me. Maybe I shouldn’t have started drinking. Maybe I shouldn’t have started experimenting with drugs. Maybe I should’ve waited until marriage to open up my legs. Damn, I mean I never thought I’d end up pregnant to the first person I ever had sex with (a person nine years my senior). I can’t believe that people who don’t know me see me as a young dumb slut. It hurts so bad because I know the truth. My life is hard. I’m not a bad person . I’m actually quite intelligent. I feel like it shouldn’t be this way. I feel like I’ve been somehow shorted. I’m so young and I feel stuck in a life that I don’t want to be living. I want someone to come rescue me from all of this but I know its not possible. I know I’m stuck for good. I’m tired of being alone with these thoughts. Ugh, at least death is inevitable. Just gotta wait my turn.
One of the things I value most in life is love. My luck with women has been horrible as all the women I have had interest in have either used me or turned out to be slutty. These experiences have made me afraid to ask anyone out and I’m afraid I may end up like my father. My father has had three wives and hasn’t loved a single one. He married because marriage is more financially stable than being single. The chick I am into now is really cute and she seems really sweet. I only hope this works out but to be honest I can’t see anyone truly loving me for me.
I got sick and it caused nerve damage in my spine. I used to be in a wheelchair and now I walk with a cane. My usual nickname amongst my friends is “cripple.” My disease is curable and has been slowly waning over the years. I’ve been the cripple for 1/3 of my life, But one day I won’t be crippled anymore. Will I still feel the same identity when that happens? Will I still be sarah the cripple, or someone else?
I always thought I knew just what I wanted to do. My hobby became my major at the best school for it. One of the happiest days of my life was when I received my acceptance phone call. One of the unhappiest days of my life was when I realized this isn’t what I want to do anymore. It doesn’t make me happy like it used to when I was a child. I used to just adore the lights and applause. Now I’m embarrassed when people ask what I’m studying. I always reply “musical theatre,” I’m not sure why, with a goofy look on my face and a shrug on my shoulders. One of the happiest days of my life was when I found other things I could be happy doing. Working with deaf children. Photography. Activist. I just became a vegetarian and I want to stop everyone I know from eating meat. I can’t believe I ever ate a being. I digested pain. Now I want everyone to know what they are eating. The castrated cows. The electrified fish. The chemically injured chicken. How do people live with themselves?
For someone who always knew what she wanted to be, I am so unsure where I am going. I do not know what I want. There is something around the corner from me. I keep walking toward it, but never reach it. I don’t know if I ever will. I think that’s why I wake up in the morning. I have so many questions about me, you, us. My journey is to ask my questions. I am shallow.
I met the most wonderful person a month and a half ago. I had spent such a large part of my life telling myself, telling the universe what I wanted. What I was supposed to have, and never getting it. I should have known better. I decided a month and a half back to just let go, see what the universe has for me and embrace it instead of rejecting it. Through a strange series of events, a friend from 20 years ago visited me. He got me to look at a specific online dating site and urged me to talk to one person he found in particular. I waited before deciding to be open to the universe and all it had. I reached out to find out this person was a co-worker I hadn’t really spoken to for the last year or so. A few nights later, I ran into her and her friends out on the town… again because this friend wanted to go out. My co-worker introduced me to her friend and as we shook hands I felt this incredible fear and wanted my hand back. I sat there for a bit trying to figure it out and realized it wasn’t fear, but her touch alone set my soul afire. We ended up talking a bit and when we parted we shook hands again. I didn’t want her or I to let go. It was like the universe manifested itself right there and shouted to me in love and compassion that she is someone who should be in my life. She is someone I should know and be known by.
A month later we met again. We’d had sporadic emails… my co-worker wanted to fix us up as she said she saw sparks, but our schedules made it a bit difficult to get talking. Now its been two weeks of dating. I don’t know where this will go. I have hopes, but I’m keeping myself open. The universe brought us together saying “you should know this person.” She is truly one of the most incredible people I’ve ever met. Whether we become one of the greatest love stories ever told or just good friends it will be wonderful to have her in my life. From what she’s told me, it sounds like she was finally in the right place to meet someone when we met as well.
I’m going to try a lot more of this being open. I’ve known for years that I should be, but its funny how when you finally are, things begin to play out as they should.
One thing I do know, I enjoy learning about her and from her. I could spend a lifetime learning and sharing with her.
I’m 19. I feel like I’m already dried up. I feel like I have nothing left to offer this world.
I’m ashamed of myself. When I was younger, I was beat, I was molested, I was told I was a nothing. Yet, I stood tall during those times. I’m not ashamed because those things happened. I’m ashamed because at seven years old I had more confidence and hope in myself then I do now, at 19.
I have wonderful friends who are there for me when I need them. I honestly couldn’t ask for anything more. They are my angels. They are my reason for being here. I’m just afraid that I may not be strong enough to stay here for them. I wish I could tell them how dead I feel.
I’ll continue to pray to a God I don’t believe in anymore for the strength and hope to keep living. I wish I were seven again.
Being molested. Being hit. Being told I was worthless…
I still had my whole life in front of me.
It’s funny. I have everything. I have two parents who love me. A younger sister who annoys me. I have friends who care about me. A cat who sleeps with me. Grades that’ll get me into an Ivy League. Musical talent that will launch me into Carnegie Hall. I have my whole life ahead of me.
But I’m scared. Scared that I’ll lose myself. Scared that I’ll die before anyone ever realizes who I am. Scared that the words I speak will never be heard again. I have filled notebooks, journals, scraps of paper, etc. with my words. They speak who I am. But no one has read them. Because they are mine. But I have no idea who I am.
If I don’t know who I am, who am I?
I have everything. But I am nothing.
I’m Caitlin. I’m 16, a lesbian, a transexual woman (MtF), radically left, radically queer, a writer, musician, and a lot of things which I could claim weird ‘cred for. All the same, I’m just a kid. My puberty was prolonged and terrible, but I live a boring, upper middle class, Ann Arbor, white life. I get along with my parents, I try to get a girlfriend and all that growing up shit. I am boring and that is a victory for all the girls like me that haven’t had that option.
I’ve been cutting myself for five years. I am only 18, so it’s all I’ve ever really known. Since I’ve been developing real emotions and gone through more adult situations, it’s the only coping mechanism I’ve ever really known. Well… that, and music. I am addicted. I can say that without a problem now, and I’m glad I can. Because now that I notice I have these chains on me, I can work to become liberated from them. One thing that helps me is God. I have a very personal relationship with Him, but I fear that everyone looks at me as a hypocrite because I am also gay. I go to a Christian college, and none of the people who know about my sexuality have turned away, yet my mother told me to think about going to a different school if I really am gay… because she refuses to let my grandfather pay for the high tuition if I am not getting anything from it. My step father feels the same way. The longest conversation we have had in the past five years was about 20 minutes of him yelling at me and telling me that I can’t love Jesus and be gay. Yes, a lot of hurt comes from my family. I have been cutting for five years, and me and my step father haven’t talked in five years. That is not a coincidence. I have let their words become a truth in my mind, and it has been holding me back from my dreams ever since. Lately I haven’t known what to do with my life, and with other certain things going on, I’ve just been digging this hole for myself, and it’s been hell.
But I am starting to see the light. I am starting to get answers. I am beginning to feel love again. I am ready to get better.
I’m 21 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I am funny, charming, smart, and have a pretty face… but I am overweight, and I always have been. I don’t have unsightly fat rolls or anything, but I do have very large hips, legs, arms, and an unnaturally huge ass. I’ve been dieting and working out for as long as I can remember, but to no avail. I fear that sooner or later, I’ll have to just accept that this is how I am… but as of now, I just can’t. I hate everything about my body, and no one understands, because none of my friends or family are overweight. Guys never want to date me… they only want to have sex with me, in secret. I do my best to stay positive but at night, when I’m laying in bed alone, I can’t help but wonder, ‘Why me? Why was I born like this, when my best friends were born perfect and beautiful? Why aren’t there any good men out there that will see me for who I am inside, instead of the size of my body? When is it going to be MY turn to be happy?’
No one knows how depressed and lonely I truly am, and I hate that I can’t talk to anyone about it. The few times I’ve tried, all anyone has to say is, “Be patient, you’ll find someone when you least expect it.” Thanks for trying, but that is honestly the last thing I want to hear. I’m very quickly losing faith.
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