Entries tagged with "goals"
When I was younger I wanted to be a singer. As the years went by I became convinced that I wasn’t pretty enough to be one. People just mindlessly say and do things without thinking about others. Its upsetting and my self esteem is still in shambles. It has only been recently that I’ve been able to see the good in my body. I find that it helps to look at yourself as if your not you. As vague as that may be it works.
I now want to be an actress. I’ve been told that I’m pretty good. It makes makes me happy to think that other people derive some sort of enjoyment out of something I’ve done. My looks still worry me. I’m afraid they might stunt my ability to act in plays and movies but I’m still going to try. Its no use worrying about something if you can’t change it. You can only try and hope that with copious amounts of begging and bugging they’ll look at you for talent.
I still kinda want to be a singer.
At age 17 I began to argue with my parents about starting a career in the Military. At age 18 I joined. At age 18, I asked my high school sweet heart to marry me. At age 19, I slept with another woman. At age 19, I hate my job, my country, and the majority of the people around me. But, when I look back on my past, and count up the things I’ve done, I can smile with the satisfaction, that at age 19, I had accomplished everything I had ever wanted in life. A wife, an affair, and a career in the military. Things like that, make me smile. Know what else makes me smile? The fact that everyone knows I’m shallow, hateful, rude, selfish, and a jerk. I love every single moment of it.
At 16, I dropped out of school and was shipped away to a ‘wilderness therapy’ program in Utah. We hiked, shared stories, marveled at the beauty of the vast, desolate desert. I was lost before then–spinning out of control. I probably would have been dead before my 18th birthday.
Yet something out there grabbed ahold of me–finally hit that nerve where I questioned myself, “What the fuck am I doing with my life and why am I doing it?!” Sent alone for a week with just two men as my spiritual guides, my stubbornness began to dissolve away, and I soon found myself screaming on top of a mountain. Screaming at the ghosts that haunted me for so many years. Screaming at myself for resisting change and progress for so long. Screaming for my future to begin.
I came home. After twelve months I got my GED. Took classes at community college. Transferred into Michigan. The chaos has found some sense of order.
I will never come off that mountain.
Medical school is not what I expected. All books and lectures for the first couple years. Then I guess we learn actual medicine. It seems nurses do most of the practical things, while doctors do the heavy thinking. And take all the blame if things go awry. I often wonder if I should have gone into nursing instead. I’d actually spend time with patients & get to take care of them. And I’d get really good at one or two things, like starting IV lines.
Still, I’ve had some cool opportunities to get some hands-on experience. I gave my first pap smear & pelvic exam today. I’m oddly proud of it. Mostly I’m really grateful that patients let me practice on them. How many women would be OK with me putting a finger in their vagina? Just sayin is all.
The human body is disgusting and awesome.
I miss home. I left when I was 18, to a gun pointed at me by my father, ‘go’ he said, ‘the rest of you get back in the house’… I left.
That was 4 years ago, in a different city, in a different country, on a different continent. It was always believed I wouldn’t amount to much… I believed I would.
Recently, I got in touch with some old acquaintances from my youth. They all either have children, or fucked something up so bad it’s clear they won’t make it to where they could have been or wanted to be.
And then I realized, leaving was the best thing I could have done. I have a good job, great friends and a loving girlfriend. I don’t think I would have achieved this much at home. I have a totally new life…
Three weekends ago I had a threesome with my roommate and her boyfriend. Check that one off the list.
I am 31 years old, completed my doctorate, have a great job, and on the verge of obtaining my dream job. However, I constantly ask is it all worth it. I work very long/odd hours, live half a country away from family and close friends, all to achieve my professional goals. I miss weddings, family get-togethers, graduations, and just watching my nieces/nephews grow up. Hell, I don’t even have a romantic relationship for myself… all because I’m driven to achieve my professional goals. Is there a breaking point? Will I get fed up? Will I find love? Am I missing out on the good stuff in life because of what goals I have set for myself?
I am so thankful of what I’ve been able to achieve for myself. Never cease to be proud of what you’ve done, who you are. That’s the greatest feeling.
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