I think love languages are one of the most interesting things about people. Physical touch, quality time, acts of service, giving gifts and words of affirmation. I love figuring out how people show love and how they receive it best. I think we need to love more specifically and make sure that people feel appreciated. There is too much crap in this world right now for people not to know that they are great. I want to be a better lover and encourager.
I had a pretty rocky adolescence, mostly self inflicted. I found out why I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror while my brother was on trial for something he didn’t do. Nobody ever thought they needed to talk to me about what my uncle did to me when I was two. I could never understand why I would have this nightmare over and over. Then my dad said it in the court room, out loud, for everyone to hear…”molested”. Knowing didn’t change anything, nobody talked to me about it. Years later I told my parents what my brothers did to me. My father dismissed it, childhood exploration. He beat them when I was younger because my Aunt told him what I said to her, but now as an adult it was dismissed. I tried for years to look at myself in the mirror, but I could only look at the pimple, a hair, my eye brow, my hair, never ever the whole.
My image of myself was terrible. Broken, used, ugly, unwanted; then I met my husband. It changed my world, but until the wedding day I never thought he would go through with marrying me. Who could after what other men have done to me? Then I never thought we could have our own children, I was broken, how could an amazing thing like that happen in such a disgusting vessel as MY body? Then I got pregnant. I wanted to do everything I could to make sure the baby was healthy, and I wanted to have it in a birth center so everything would be perfect. I wanted a girl so she could have a childhood without abuse. We found out it was twins days before I had them. I had two boys, of course. I was scared, I have been scared, what if I have a girl next time, and “childhood exploration” happens to her? I am trying to tell myself there are all kinds of big brothers who never need their sister to “explore” anything. These boys can be different, I will stay home, they won’t have idle time when they can get themselves in trouble, I will talk to them about sex and anatomy so there are no unanswered questions.
My husband helps me fight this battle in my mind. He is one of those “other kinds” of big brother. He protected his sister, and never “explored” anything. He tells me I’m a good mom and nothing will happen. It has been hard to look in the mirror still, I feel like I have let my future daughter down by having two boys. But I love my boys, they are my world.
Driving yesterday, my husband turned to me and said “I feel guilty loving my life so much…” I feel guilty not loving my life enough… but this morning I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror… really looked, I think I may have been missing out the past 20 some years by not looking. Hopefully I can look at myself the rest of my life and know, I have it good, and I am doing my best.
As I saw you sitting here with a sign asking to share my story, it hit me. I wish I lived a more interesting life. Well, everyone wishes that, don’t they? You, reading this, are probably wishing that too. What have I done? Who will I become?
I’ve become a friend, a lover, a sister, and a daughter. One day, you will know me. I dream to live. I live to change lives. I’ve known too many people who have chosen to end their lives and I wish to change that. I’m quiet, but I will talk to anyone who stops to say hello. Spread the smiles and bring hope to all those who are lost. If you see me, I hope I can change you.
I recently finished my degree in architecture, saw my father after 11 years, ended a three year relationship with an amazing guy, saw my mom recover from cancer and now I’m falling for my best friend. I’m going to have an amazing life – and so are you.
I am scared of myself… I don’t want to grow up to be like my father and it scares the crap out of me. I am in a relationship and I want to be able to trust not only him but myself. I have been hit before… never bruised but I have been physically and mentally broken down. I know that I am like my father, I am extremely proud and my father uses that against me—as a minor I can not speak out. The person I am dating, I want to love them—but I don’t think that I am capable of love. I have seen my mother get broken down and he says he loves her. She will never leave. I know that she won’t. Be it this person now, or a person in the future—I do not think that I will be able to love them in the way that they deserve. I don’t want to be like my father… I’m scared of my father… and I believe that I am the same type of person… so I am scared of myself. I know that I am completely messed up mentally and I know that my reasons for fearing myself are stupid and illogical but I can not wrap my head around the possibility that I might be a better person that my father.
To anyone else out there who doubts their person, don’t. I know I am a hypocrite for saying this but you are worthy of love and if you let yourself love you will love more than you would think possible. Have a good life, love those who deserve it… don’t stay by those who don’t. Stay away from people like my father, and myself.