Entries tagged with "death"
So what am I doing with my life besides wasting away? 19 year old drop out with a son. Not what I was expecting my life to turn into. I used to be a straight A student with amazing potential. How I lost it all is beyond me. Maybe I shouldn’t have started drinking. Maybe I shouldn’t have started experimenting with drugs. Maybe I should’ve waited until marriage to open up my legs. Damn, I mean I never thought I’d end up pregnant to the first person I ever had sex with (a person nine years my senior). I can’t believe that people who don’t know me see me as a young dumb slut. It hurts so bad because I know the truth. My life is hard. I’m not a bad person . I’m actually quite intelligent. I feel like it shouldn’t be this way. I feel like I’ve been somehow shorted. I’m so young and I feel stuck in a life that I don’t want to be living. I want someone to come rescue me from all of this but I know its not possible. I know I’m stuck for good. I’m tired of being alone with these thoughts. Ugh, at least death is inevitable. Just gotta wait my turn.
It’s funny. I have everything. I have two parents who love me. A younger sister who annoys me. I have friends who care about me. A cat who sleeps with me. Grades that’ll get me into an Ivy League. Musical talent that will launch me into Carnegie Hall. I have my whole life ahead of me.
But I’m scared. Scared that I’ll lose myself. Scared that I’ll die before anyone ever realizes who I am. Scared that the words I speak will never be heard again. I have filled notebooks, journals, scraps of paper, etc. with my words. They speak who I am. But no one has read them. Because they are mine. But I have no idea who I am.
If I don’t know who I am, who am I?
I have everything. But I am nothing.
I came here (to America) to bring a cancer patient for treatment.
After two months of treatment he went home.
He slept in his own bed that night.
The next morning he was gone.
I am a 20 year old college student that has the whole world ahead of her.
The only problem is that I can’t stop thinking about what is wrong with my life. All of my Great-Grandmothers died with Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s disease and I am watching my Grandfather go through the same thing. I am so afraid that I will come home one weekend and he won’t remember me. I want more than anything to not be living my life and be able to leave this world, but the only thing that is keeping me here is my family. I know what it would put them through and I could NEVER do that to them.
I just wish that I had something to live for other than my family. I know that if I ever have children or get married then I would put them through my chronic illnesses and that is the last thing I want. I don’t deserve anything that I have or any of the love that I am receiving from my family or any of the friends that I have. I am trying to put on a show for everyone to make them think that I am fine.
I’m 20 years old. To most that’s young, yet I still fear death.
I do not fear the pain, the loss of my life and everything in it, or the effect it may have on others.
What truly terrifies me is what lies beyond death. I am an atheist and am fine with that, but that leaves little imagination of life after death.
Nothingness is what scares me.
My sister is a sociopath. She stole my family from me… stole my mother’s money…. killed my mother and grandmother. She even had my mother cremated without permission and the cops and state’s attorney won’t even prosecute because they’re too “busy” with other things. In the meantime, I am left as a victim. The courts don’t care either. With my mother’s stolen money ($500k worth) the ugly bitch is dragging me through probate court trying to get the last dimes left. She admits to being this ugly inside and out and the courts and the law stand behind her ability to do so. “It’s fair” they say… fair for her to have killed my mother… fair for her to have stolen the last moments my mother could have had with her children and grandchildren… fair for her to have stolen every last dime during and after her life from her children (and there are more than just two of us) and her grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
Watch out world… the sociopath still wanders the earth… but God has a special place for her…. God is just and will make sure she will suffer the consequences of the choices she made in life.
Death and God are the great equalizers.
My brother had aplastic anemia as a child. As an adult his blood cell counts were never normal, his drug use was how he managed his physical and emotional pain. Two years ago he died. I feel horrible, but it was such a relief when he passed away.
When I was 30 years old, I gave birth to my beautiful daughter. When I was 32, I held her as she died in my arms. I am now 37, and have accepted the fact that my husband and I will never conceive a healthy child—our genes don’t mix well. I would like everyone else around me to accept that fact too, and quit asking us when we plan to adopt. We don’t. Period. After you have watched a child suffer for two years like we did, your heart can’t take much more.
For the past six months I have been lying to my family, friends, and work colleagues about being a in relationship with a woman. At first I made it up to draw attention to myself. But then I told my Dad who is dying on cancer about it. He was so happy. Now I just continue to tell the lie as it makes my Dad happy. I hate lying to him. But I will miss him so much when he passes away. Eventually I will need to “break up” with the imaginary woman. But for now I will keep the lie alive and make my Dad happy.
When I was 8, my estranged father died. My mother told me he had been “sick.”
When I was 14, I googled his name and came up with the headline “Deputies identify body found in remote area.” He had hanged himself.
I am nearly 18 years old and my mom still doesn’t know that I know. I like to tell myself it’s because I’m strong, I don’t need to talk about it, but deep down I know the truth:
Without this secret, I have no one to blame my problems on… but myself.
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