I wanted to speak about my father, the greatest man I know. I was blessed to have him as a father for he gave me and my family everything he could muster. Since I was ten my mother contracted a rare hypothyroid illness and became a different person ever since. She never stopped loving us kids though. My father took on all the responsibilities of the house hold due to this. I attempted to help him, however, he denied me the opportunity. I asked him “Why not? I’m only trying to help.” My father responded “Cause you need to focus on your studies. I won’t be able to pay for your college or help you in any other way since I left work to help out here. This is the least I can do for you to have the best life you can have.” I will always remember this for the rest of my life. I wish I could thank him more and more for his efforts, however I feel it lays on deaf ears since from all the stress from years of unrest given by my mother who only complained and caused only grief. He formed two strokes and a pulmonary embolism. To this day my father has never looked, talked, or held me the same… Acting as if he’s in a fog with no recognition of his surroundings and I wish I could see him every weekend if possible in the nursing home he’s currently in. I love him and always will.
When I was five years old I thought Batman lived in my dryer. That halloween, I was Batman. That Thanksgiving wishbone, I wished for a new Batman costume. I love Batman.
Throughout my childhood I would always hear my parents talk about stupid teenagers falling in love and being ignorant and self centered. I learned to have the same opinions and always acted more mature for my age because of it. The consequences of this are that whenever I think I like someone and they like me, I immediately reject it as ignorant infatuation and I keep turning down wonderful guys. There aren’t that many guys to pick from when you are a guy yourself, and I am turning them down.
I’m Caitlin. I’m 16, a lesbian, a transexual woman (MtF), radically left, radically queer, a writer, musician, and a lot of things which I could claim weird ‘cred for. All the same, I’m just a kid. My puberty was prolonged and terrible, but I live a boring, upper middle class, Ann Arbor, white life. I get along with my parents, I try to get a girlfriend and all that growing up shit. I am boring and that is a victory for all the girls like me that haven’t had that option.
My friends know that I don’t really watch movies but no one knows why I’m so particular. First of all, I don’t like to make myself sad. I’m sad enough as it is so I certainly don’t need any help. Secondly, I’m afraid there will be loud, sudden noises in these movies. And while it doesn’t help that I’m naturally sort of a squeamish, a few years ago I realized that I sometimes flinched when I was surprised by loud sounds or sudden actions during movies. My father used to beat me and there’s that suspense like in the movies… you never quite know when it’s going to happen, when it’s going to get very, very bad. I just don’t want my involuntary actions to betray this dirty little secret.
When I was a kid, I had dreams or something like that, where as I was sleeping in my bed, puppets would come up from under my bed and tickle me. I say it was a dream, but I’m still very convinced (25 year later) that the puppets were really there. Even to this day I will not sleep without at least a sheet. The idea of being vulnerable to small puppets freaks me out.
I’m a seventeen year old girl who doesn’t want to stop being childish. I sometimes feel like my life has no set path, and most times I can’t answer when people ask me what I want to do after high school. But you know what? That’s okay. I can’t see into the future, and if I could I’m sure things would be a lot less adventurous. But if I had to wish, I would say that I would want to live my life being awesome, respected and free. Money? As long as I get by I’ll be fine. I want love, happiness and a peaceful environment to live in. Is that too much to ask? Is that the right thing to answer for what I want to do after high school? I’m already blessed with happiness (for the most part), love, respect from friends and for the most part a peaceful state of mind and environment. I wouldn’t mind living like this for the rest of my life! Can I do it?
Wish me luck lovies, I’m off to chase this adventure!
My boyfriend does not think I am interesting. That’s just because we had completely different childhood experiences. I don’t mean to be this way, but I have too many responsibilities and financial concerns to be as open-minded. Hopefully one day we will meet in the middle. One day! But I still love him. He makes me the happiest I have ever been.
I had two girls, both ten years old, tell me that they used Nair and/or shaved their legs every day. TEN! That’s when you build tree houses and make smores, not worry about how silky smooth your legs are! Bad, bad mothers.
I had a pretty rocky adolescence, mostly self inflicted. I found out why I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror while my brother was on trial for something he didn’t do. Nobody ever thought they needed to talk to me about what my uncle did to me when I was two. I could never understand why I would have this nightmare over and over. Then my dad said it in the court room, out loud, for everyone to hear…”molested”. Knowing didn’t change anything, nobody talked to me about it. Years later I told my parents what my brothers did to me. My father dismissed it, childhood exploration. He beat them when I was younger because my Aunt told him what I said to her, but now as an adult it was dismissed. I tried for years to look at myself in the mirror, but I could only look at the pimple, a hair, my eye brow, my hair, never ever the whole.
My image of myself was terrible. Broken, used, ugly, unwanted; then I met my husband. It changed my world, but until the wedding day I never thought he would go through with marrying me. Who could after what other men have done to me? Then I never thought we could have our own children, I was broken, how could an amazing thing like that happen in such a disgusting vessel as MY body? Then I got pregnant. I wanted to do everything I could to make sure the baby was healthy, and I wanted to have it in a birth center so everything would be perfect. I wanted a girl so she could have a childhood without abuse. We found out it was twins days before I had them. I had two boys, of course. I was scared, I have been scared, what if I have a girl next time, and “childhood exploration” happens to her? I am trying to tell myself there are all kinds of big brothers who never need their sister to “explore” anything. These boys can be different, I will stay home, they won’t have idle time when they can get themselves in trouble, I will talk to them about sex and anatomy so there are no unanswered questions.
My husband helps me fight this battle in my mind. He is one of those “other kinds” of big brother. He protected his sister, and never “explored” anything. He tells me I’m a good mom and nothing will happen. It has been hard to look in the mirror still, I feel like I have let my future daughter down by having two boys. But I love my boys, they are my world.
Driving yesterday, my husband turned to me and said “I feel guilty loving my life so much…” I feel guilty not loving my life enough… but this morning I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror… really looked, I think I may have been missing out the past 20 some years by not looking. Hopefully I can look at myself the rest of my life and know, I have it good, and I am doing my best.