There are times when I have felt aimless, tired, lonely, stretched, anxious and overwhelmed. The times when people tell me I’m an idealist, to grow up, wake up and be something you are not.
I have made many mistakes and yet enough people have seen enough in me to put me in the healthy, happy situation I am today. They probably had no idea about how their own optimism concerning my character has positively affected my life. Don’t doubt that you have shaped other peoples lives for the better without even realizing it, and don’t doubt that most people in the world will not notice, appreciate or understand this. The ones who do will forever be in your debt as you are to the people who have moved your world. Believe in people, the reward is rare but worth every second.
That is the most worthwhile thing I have learned in my short time on this planet.
I weaned off of Paxil over the summer. It was a long and painful process, but I’m finally done. Unfortunately, my anxiety and depression is coming back full-force. It’s eating me away and I don’t know what to do about it.
I’m beginning to think I’m always going to need medication. And that terrifies me.
I am 34 years old, I have severe anxiety, I feel like my world has fallen down around me, I am an artist and I can’t sell anything, I am in a war within myself, I feel like my soul is being ripped into two and I can’t find help, I make barely enough money for my wife and I to get by and that is too much to qualify for state health insurance, so what do I do? am I damned to this existence until I die?
My anxieties keep me from doing… anything. From meeting new people, experiencing new things. I can’t get on crowded buses or go to crowded places without feeling like I’m going to cry. I can’t hold conversations with strangers. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel inadequate, like I am incapable of doing things that most people can- like driving or getting a part time job- even though I know I am. I worry about everything. Everything.
I don’t know how I’m going to make it in life.
I spent the most amazing two weeks of my life sneaking away to a cabin with the man I love. He’s the first man who ever had the power to silence me with a kiss or cease my thoughts with one hand against my skin. Two lives that contained so little happiness were suddenly full of it all the time. Our smiles were so constant they embarrassed us. We were going to destroy everything and hope that once people saw how changed we were, they would accept us. But it’s all over now. He changed his mind. And I’m terrified that it will never feel the same… That I will never be the same with another man… And it’s the scariest thought I have ever had. Even with the chronic depression and acute anxiety. The worst part is that I still see him… Everywhere. He’s one of my best friends.